Crazy But Able

I heard more engagement ring horror stories in the week after Peggy and I got engaged than I thought possible. Guys paying 12,000 dollars for a ring, 2+ grand rings getting knocked into garbage disposals, and uncounted dozens of people getting fleeced by jewelry stores. It inspired me to write this post as a warning to all you unmarried guys out there.

Solitaire rings with that honking diamond on top catch on things, or the diamond slides around and pinches her fingers or she scratches herself with it, or once you’re married your wife forgets to take the ring off before gardening and it gets all crudded up with dirt and crap. Or even worse, the stone gets knocked out and you have to replace it. In fact, some of these jewelry stores try to scam you into buying “ring insurance” just in case something happens. Consider getting a channel set ring or at least something that doesn’t protrude way up. (That way the only time she has to take it off is when she’s operating the table saw.)

Don’t fall for the DeBeers corporation hype about diamonds and rings and all that crap. (If your girlfriend-maybe-soon-to-be-fiancee is really into the whole DeBeers thing, then I’m afraid you’re probably going to have to get a traditional solitaire engagement ring (and you’ll pay out the nose for it)). I know, I know, it’s bombardment from day one, engagement rings have to have diamonds, and they have to be HUGE, OMG spend AT LEAST two months salary or else YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR BRIDE TO BE. A diamond is forever, etc etc etc… what a load of crap. Diamonds are artificially expensive, and if your girlfriend is at all budget oriented or cost conscious, then she’ll realize that the $$ that went into the ring could have gone into paying for the wedding, or paying for the honeymoon, or putting aside some money for a down payment on a house. She may not say anything, because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But try to get some sense of her feelings towards money before you blow your entire life savings on a very compressed lump of coal.

I think diamonds are on the way out, and here’s why. Every single woman who has seen or heard about Peggy’s ring thinks it’s great… and not one person has said “Oh, why didn’t you get her a diamond instead?” Maybe they’re all sparing my feelings… but I don’t think so. Get your bride to be a ring with her favorite gemstone, or her birthstone, or a stone that’s her favorite color, or one that accents the color in her eyes. And don’t just mindlessly get the 18k gold ring… think about matching the gold color to her skin color.

But what if you have no sense of color… how do you find out what kind of gemstone accents her eyes? Or what kind of gold color matches her skin?

Here’s one way. A few months before you plan on asking her to marry you, find a few of those websites that have lists of cutesey questions that couples just have to ask each other. Questions like, “If you were a fish, what kind would you be? Why?” or “Would you rather go on a picnic in a park or have dinner in a fancy restaurant?” You know the type of online quiz I’m referring to, they’re the ones that your girlfriend keeps e-mailing you. Pick 10-15 questions off those sites, and then just sneak a question in, like, “What kind of gemstone do you think best accents your eyes?” Now send an e-mail to your girlfriend, and say that you got this list of questions in an e-mail from your sister/mom/aunt/female acquaintance. I guarantee that she knows the answer to the gemstone question. If she asks you what gemstone you think accents your eyes, for some stupid reason, truthfully reply “I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it before. Maybe <insert wild ass guess here>? I know I’ve always liked <whatever you think you like>.” Trust me, if you’re “wrong” she’ll let you know. It doesn’t matter, because now you know what color gemstone she thinks accents her eyes, and that’s all that really matters.

Another tip: make a good effort to get a ring that fits. How? Well, you guys hold hands, right? Compare and contrast: maybe your fingers are the same size, or her ring finger might be the size of your pinky. Maybe her finger is a little bigger than yours. But once you have a basis of comparison to one of your own fingers, go to a jewelry store, and have that finger of yours sized, and make any adjustments as necessary.

Anything you get, make sure you get a 30 day money back guarantee on it. That way if she doesn’t like your wacked out idea, you can just take it back, and ask her what she thinks she wants instead.

Anyway, I hope this advice will be of some help to you single guys out there. Feel free to post in the comments with wedding/engagement ring horror stories, or counter-advice, rebuttals, whatever.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 17th, 2004 at 3:20 pm and is filed under wedding foofiness, economics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.